Let’s Discuss Marriage
By Tobechukwu Isaac
I sat down with wife and mother, Mrs Kenechukwu Isaac to gain knowledge on several topics related to marriage.
First and most importantly, marriage is divine. In the beginning, when God created Adam and Eve, He saw that Adam was lonely. The Bible said He made him a helpmeet. Thus, loneliness isn’t godly. In fact, as Pastor Enoch Adeboye will tell us, God Himself is a family man. Now talk about the fact that marriage is eternal. The Bible says that God hates divorce, so you are not supposed to be going into marriage with the intention that if it does not work, you’ll leave.
As a Christian, you’re supposed to consult God in whatever you are doing. You must pray very well and get divine approval before you go on. Like I say all the time, the Bible says that if we seek the Lord with our hearts, we will find him. If you pray very well, he will confirm if the person is your husband. Don’t expect a voice that will say, “Thus says the Lord, this is your husband,” but he will give you a sign. You will always see why you should or should not go ahead if the person is not your husband if you are truthful to yourself.
FINDING IN UNIVERSITY
It’s good to look out for somebody in the university because you guys are in the school together, so you see each each day, and it’s possible to find in the university. It is possible to find a suitable spouse at university, that’s why you need to put your eye down and look for a reasonable person in school. It is not compulsory, but it is necessary. By the way, Paul said he was not married. People should choose to be single, but I can tell you that it’s imperative. Because it gets to a point in one’s life that you need somebody you can confide in, somebody that can encourage you. When God made Adam, he said it was not good for him to be alone.
PHYSICAL ATTRACTION
Physical attraction is not very important, but it is good. I tell people that it shouldn’t be the priority. Honestly speaking, nobody wants a woman that when you go out, you will ask her to be going that you’re coming. If you go through the Bible, when God brought Eve for Adam, he was excited, the same thing with Isaac and Rebecca. So, you should like what you see.
AGE
In marriage, a man is supposed to be in charge, so I’m of the opinion that a man should be older, but it doesn’t happen in all cases. In some marriages, the man is younger. It doesn’t always work well. Let me tell you why.
As a man, when he marries an older woman and is supposed to be respected, the woman does something that under normal circumstances would not be a problem, but the man believes she is doing it because she is older. I’ve seen younger men beating their wives to nonsense because they believe they are not being respected. Also, when men are getting older, they say that women age faster. By the time they are advancing in age, the woman appears very much older. The man will now become ashamed and won’t want to let people see them together.
GENOTYPE
AS and AS is a no-go area because you will have sickle cell children. You will suffer, and the children will suffer. It will be a very painful thing. So that’s a crucial point to consider. In fact, before you start falling in love, go and check your genotype. Yes, God is wonderful. There is nothing He cannot do. He can make sure you have just AA children. I know a man with seven boys, but about four died because they were sickle cell. Nobody wants to be going through that kind of stress. You will be spending money, taking injections almost every day, and it’s not a good experience.
SOCIAL CLASS
Some men who think they are smart just want to look for a rich girl and marry her. It is not good; it is always better to go with your social class to grow together. Even if you people are poor now, you become rich together, and your mentalities will be in sync. If you marry a richer woman before you know it fights like ‘Is it because you have money?’ will be everywhere. I always advise people. When a woman is wealthier, don’t put your hand if you cannot maintain her status. Tomorrow, you will start saying she is always looking for big things.
RELIGION
If you go through your Bible, when the father of Moses married his mother, the Bible said that he was a Levite, and he married a Levite. If you see when Abraham told his servant to go and get a wife for Isaac, he said he should go to his kindred; you are not the same. I keep saying it, there are many people in the church, but they don’t have a relationship with God. If they bring a Muslim, because I know they are not born again, I will give them my blessing. But I see a born-again Christian girl or boy, I will not agree. Do you know why? Evil communication corrupts good morals, and you cannot be unequally yoked with unbelievers. I’ve seen so many of these cross-religion marriages that went bad, especially those where the man is the one that is Muslim. When the man is a Christian and marries a Muslim, they usually just allow them to do what they want, but when the man is a Muslim and the girl is a Christian, they put them through a lot of stress. And eventually, the man will go to marry another Muslim. I am not an advocate of that; it is ungodly and is against the will of God. Yes, in the Bible, we saw in the book of Hosea where God said someone should go marry a prostitute, but before somebody can take that step, the person must hear God loud and clear. Because when the chips are down, you can go to God and say, “But you said I should do this.” In conclusion, a Christian should look for a Christian to marry and let Muslims marry themselves.
KEY ATTRIBUTES TO LOOK FOR
You should look for a God-fearing and a good person. If a man treats you well and treats other people bad, by the time he gets used to you he will do the same thing to you. Also, an outstanding character is a must. It is very important because this is a lifelong affair. Look for a neat, hard-working person, somebody with prospects, because if he doesn’t have money today and is lazy hunger will show the both of you pepper. You need somebody that does not give up easily.
Then as Americans will say, you don’t need a mama’s boy or a mama’s girl. You need somebody that can stand on his feet pray through and walk through when he has a challenge, not that he will run back to his daddy. Some people will say they don’t like short people, don’t like tall people, and don’t like this one. But all those ones are small things. You can live with a good person, and you will not see that shortness or that other thing you don’t like. Some people now will go and marry a girl that does not know how to cook and say they love you. You will not be buying food outside for the rest of your life. You will have children; if a girl does not know how to cook, she won’t teach her own children now. What does it mean? Your children will not learn how to cook. So, if there’s anything you don’t like, just don’t start a relationship with that person.
I keep saying that a broken engagement is better than a broken marriage. Even if it is a day to the wedding, if you don’t want to do it anymore say you don’t want to, it does not matter. People will be hurt when you say no, but nonetheless, it is a very excellent decision. Once you look at it, I encourage everybody, if it does not look like what you can endure, even if it’s minutes to the wedding, please cancel it.
WHAT IF YOUR LIFE GOALS OR PLAN DON’T ALIGN?
Both of you can prayerfully reach a compromise, but if not, everybody should go their own way. It is not a do or die affair. You will still see another person. You can weigh it. For example, a person that wants to go to Canada. What is he going to do there? You weigh the option if he has something stable. Is it reasonable to throw it away and go to Canada and start being welfare kids and all whatnot? So, you weigh the pros and cons; you must agree to disagree or disagree to agree. One person should say, okay, I give up my own for the other one. But suppose the two of you are just insisting on having your own way. In that case, it is a sign that something will not work. If somebody cannot give up what he wants for another person or a compromise cannot be reached, that’s how the relationship will always be. You know, everybody wants to have their way, but it does not always work that way.
PARENTAL CONSENT
This is vital. The Bible says the heart of kings is in the hands of God. Once it is what God wants you to do, as you pray, they will agree. You need their blessing for it to work. If they disagree, well, find out why. If it’s something serious, you may need to think about not going ahead. Because they sometimes say what an elder is seeing while sitting down, a young person will not see sitting on top of a tree. There may be serious things that you, as a young person are not seeing. So don’t be insistent, you know, like people that will say “I will die if I don’t marry him” then run off and marry the person. Ah, trouble is looming big time.
SKILLS TO POSSESS
The only thing I can say is that marriage is for mature people, not for children, you know, mature people know when to act and when to keep quiet. Women have long mouths; at times, they can say things they are not supposed to say. And now there are many men and women that are not well raised and have lousy upbringing. Their parents have failed, and it’s affecting the children. When you see a man who is not well raised, a man who is used to having his way, an impatient man, he can’t be tolerant. Run for your life because he cannot change. You know at times, people will say, “he will change, he will change”. Nobody changes at old age. Only God can help somebody because you fear God. That somebody that is rude, harsh, and abusive, you believe he will change, so you go for what oyinbo people call therapy. It does not do anything. It is only God, so from the beginning if there’s anything you don’t like, don’t walk into it because that thing will get worse. Pastor Adeboye told us that a man is at his best during courtship. So, he is trying to behave well because he wants to woo a girl into marrying him. When you start seeing terrible characteristics, it is better you just run for your life, and don’t compromise no matter what is at stake. Leave that person and run away.
CROSS-CULTURAL MARRIAGES
Well, it does not matter, even if it’s a Nigerian marrying American. What is vital in marriage is that people marry their husband and their wife. When God made Adam, the Bible said he took a rib from Adam and made Eve. What does that mean? Eve was meant for Adam. There are men and women everywhere but there is a wife for each husband and a husband for every wife. People should not go for other people’s husbands or other people’s wives. Thus, whether it is cross-cultural or the same tribe, it is irrelevant.
MARRYING AT 40!!??
Why do people want to marry when they should be grandfathers? I don’t know for them. But anyway, why I encourage people to marry earlier is because when you’re a Christian, you’re not supposed to fornicate. So, you marry early so that you don’t find yourself in that temptation. Why will a boy that has finished school and is working be waiting for 40 years? I’m an advocate of early marriage.
Finally, my prayer and my heart’s desire are that you will not make a mistake in marriage. You will choose right; you will choose God’s choice in the name of Jesus.